Gabe's Letters

Hollister Co.

2008-06-28T16:24:00.005-04:00

This letter is based on a bad experience a friend had at Hollister.

This is in fact a photo of the actual potato that was sent to them

Here it is in it's shipping container.

I expected a quick response. When none had arrived after about a month I wrote back.

I'm not too excited about Tom's reply.

They never answered my followup. I have reason to believe they found this website and decided not to play my reindeer games anymore.

Brown Sheep Company

2008-06-26T23:11:00.003-04:00

A new letter AND the debut of a new alias. Only time will tell if he sticks. Is Aunt Ernestine the new Uncle Irwin?

Not sure why but I'm digging this envelope.

A classic hand written response. Someone actually spent more than 30 seconds on this. Kudos to them!

Warner Brothers Studio Stores

2008-04-20T16:13:00.002-04:00

For some reason when it came to cartoon characters, Elmer J. Fudd was always my man. I feel like he's gotten short shrift though, respect wise. This letter addresses that.

I waited 10 months and this is the best they could do? Bastards!

Joe's American Bar & Grill

2008-04-14T22:55:00.002-04:00

Barney Norman LOVES his potatoes. I really expected a cease & desist on this one.

WD-40

2008-04-13T11:50:00.002-04:00

Something about the whole mistaken identity thing I've always liked. Not too tough to understand why they didn't write back I suppose.

Baskin Robbins 2-5

2008-04-08T21:53:00.006-04:00

I wrote my first letter to Baskin Robbins in 1997. I recommend reading it first. A moment or two after posting it on this website I decided to write them back. The funniest thing to me about this followup is that I assume this fellow Todd still has the same exact position 10 years later even though they were bought out by Dunkin Donuts and moved their office across the country.

It makes me laugh when the return my original letter. Particularly when they make up the envelope.

This response wasn't going to satisfy me.

Especially when two identical ones (well almost) arrived the same day.

Generally if I have 2 responses from a company I feel like I'm playing with the houses money and I up the insanity quotient. Poor Jennifer... well, poor someone.

I was stunned that she couldn't accept my offer. Well not really.

3 Responses in? Nice! Time to get angrier!

Damn, Jennifer (or whoever) got tired of me and passed me on. They included 3 of these $2 coupons.

It's interesting that no one mentioned that I changed my pet from a Cat to a dog and back again using 2 different names. If it were me, I would have called the lunatic writing these on that.

Finally! They kept the money. I had decided to keep writing them until such time as they kept the money or had their legal department ask me not the write them again. Finally they sent me a list. Well all they did was print this out. And NOT even in color. Someone over at Dunkin Brands is a bit cheap. Somewhat sadly and/or oddly this is the end of my communication with Baskin Robbins...for now!

Denny's

2008-04-08T20:20:00.006-04:00

During college there was something about Denny's that was mystifying, almost magical in an ironic way. A couple of years later I wrote them this letter. I expected a nice response.

This response didn't satisfy me in the least. However in the summer of 1997 I had yet to really get into the whole followup letter idea that I've enjoyed since. And by the time I did this letter was sort of forgotten,

In February of 2008 I was about to post the 1997 Denny's letter and an idea occurred to me. What if I sent them the SAME letter again 10 1/2 years later? Would the response be similar? Would they have some nutty filing system whereby my original was still on file? I had to know. I changed the name slightly and checked their web page to make sure the menu items I mentioned were current (I haven't been to "the den" in quite awhile.) Other than that I resent the letter pretty much as it was written in 1997. Then I waited.

On April 2, 2008 I had my answer. A box beckoned on my doorstep when I returned from work. The contents is pictured below. Sadly, there was NO LETTER!. Well it took 10 1/2 years but i finally got my mugs. They don't seem as sturdy as the ones I remember, plus I was hoping for 4. I guess I'll write them again in July of 2018 and see what happens.

Flambeau Inc. 2

2008-03-08T20:49:00.008-05:00

Before reading this second communication with Flambeau I recommend reading the original. The idea with this second letter was to get a little nuttier

This is the postcard I sent. I'm not sure why, but I REALLY enjoyed suggesting she hang it in her cubicle at work. For all I know she has a corner office with a view.

I really thought the 2nd response would be similar to the first. Of all the responses I imagined, this was NOT one of them. There was no actual letter. Just 3 things. This invoice and....

TWO Yo-Yo's! If anyone is wondering, they kept the $10.00. I think it was a bargain though. I did a web search and these things go for $16 or so apiece.

Burger King

2008-03-05T22:50:00.007-05:00

This letter is noteworthy for two reasons. 1) It represents the first time I mentioned Hal Rantello in a letter. 2) It was NEVER mailed. The problem with mailing it was I've always been unable to get a really good photo of Hal. So I waited and waited to mail it. Hal's resume was also just being written at this point. If you want to see what it ended up looking like it's available here.

It always bothered me that Hal's first mention went unsent and largely unread. I needed to correct that. So in December of 2007 I decided to straighten it out.

I expected a bit more than this in the reply

When I wrote the third Burger King Letter the envelope looked like this. Well this is what it looked like when they mailed it back to me. Silly burger people

This third letter needed to be a touch angrier. I was shooting for a cease and desist letter via registered mail or perhaps even overnight.

This is not exactly what I was hoping for, but neither Hal or I are complaining.

National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance

2008-02-26T23:22:00.003-05:00

When I wrote this particular letter I was contacting a litany of lesser known organizations. My main thing here was people trying to change terms to sugar coat things. So NO, I wasn't making fun of them or their organization. I was poking fun at society.

I expected a nasty response. This was quite a bit tamer than what I anticipated.

President Bill Clinton

2008-02-22T09:42:00.006-05:00

When I was a kid I wrote to President Ford and he sent me a picture. In 1997 I figured I might be able to get an autographed photo from President Clinton.

The generic form letter doesn't surprise me. The fact that I didn't get a photo, did.

Flambeau Inc.

2008-02-19T20:06:00.005-05:00

This letter would not exist if my friend Marty hadn't suggested I write Flambeau. Along with that suggestion he provided some information on the history of the Yo-Yo that a friend had passed along to him.

This response is short, sweet and quick. Not sure if there is a follow-up in here or not. Time will tell.

A Second letter to Flambeau is available here.

The J.M. Smucker Company

2008-02-18T21:51:00.012-05:00

In July of 1997 I was a mere neophyte in this letter writing game. Characters such as Hal Rantello, Carl Lindroski and the like weren't even a consideration yet. This letter to Smucker's was a typical of the time period. There's a simplistic innocence to it.

They got back to me fairly quickly which I always enjoy. Back in 1997 it was sometimes enough to keep me at bay.

I wonder how much this stuff costs now?

A Smucker's Money Clip? Really?

By 1998 I wasn't quite as easy to please and the tone of the letters started to get a little wackier and closer to the convoluted style I prefer.

One of the things that really annoys me is when someone tries to get me to communicate by telephone.

This third letter to Smucker's, is my favorite of the bunch.

Vickie Keeps writing me back which is definitely appreciated.

By this point I was curious to see the price differences. I actually learned something. Truth is I never did understand the proliferation of Grape Jelly at all my favorite Diners.

Finally, the price list.

This thing went on for page after page. I included this one because it has the prices for the single serving jellies one would find in a diner.

Thumann's Inc.

2008-02-15T09:37:00.000-05:00

To fully appreicate this letter, I highly reccomend first reading Hormel Foods, Hormel Foods 2 and Hormel Foods 3.

I must give Thumann's credit for responding quickly. Obviously after reading this letter I believe it's pretty apparent what my next move is.

Federal Bureau of Prisons

2008-02-15T09:31:00.000-05:00

I wrote the first version of this letter in January of 2006 and sent it to the Warden at Leavenworth Prison. He never responded. So in December of 2007 I decided to revamp it and send it to the Federal Bureaus of Prisons. This is definitely a case where I enjoyed blabbering on about nothing.

The number 211 holds special significance in the world of The Ominous Seapods, one of my favorite bands.

The significance stems from the date 2/11. So how appropriate that they responded on February 11th! I was glad they kept the tea.

Mr. Rogers

2008-02-07T22:40:00.000-05:00

People have asked me if I ever felt bad about any of the letters I write. Considering they're really meant in good fun, the answer is no. Well mostly. I think this letter to Mr. Rogers, tame as it is made me feel slightly bad. It's Mr. Rogers, I didn't want to offend him. I grew up with him.

Well It looks like Fred took things in stride. I should have known he would.

The New Jersey Sports & Exposition Authority

2008-02-04T23:04:00.000-05:00

I thought I would get some sort of response to this letter. A cease & desist perhaps. Truth is I don't know how the night went. I spent the evening of 12/31/99 at Madison Square Garden.

Maxwell House Coffee

2008-02-03T18:50:00.001-05:00

Ah flavored coffee! It seems Hal likes a special blend.

Kudos to my buddy Brian Vermeire for once again hitting a design homerun on this can of cofffee!

Kim McMiller doesn't seem amused. Truth is I'm not sure SHE exists!?

Clearly I needed to followup with Kim or whoever is writing these form letters

Hal sent his less flashy resume this time

Who wouldn't like a gift mermaid?

Kim I guess. Perhaps it's time to write her AGAIN and see if she exists.

ABC Television

2008-01-30T23:22:00.000-05:00

This continues my trend of professing some strange sort of "monogamy" to a corporation. And of course this letter includes one hell of a good idea!

Could it get any more generic?!

Hormel Foods 3

2008-01-28T22:31:00.002-05:00

If you have yet to read the first Hormel letter or the second Hormel letter, you should read them both before this one.

I found Kelly's 2nd response unsatisfactory and needed to get in touch with her again. My guess was that the 2nd to last line would guarantee a response from the legal department.

Considering the brevity of response 1 and 2 Kelly really hit a home run this time. I think it's farily safe to say that we may be done writing each other now.

This is the envelope clearly made out to Umberto and the outside of the card.

And of course the inside of the card.

In addition to these lovely SPAM items they also included pages and pages of recipes. Upwards of 60 recipes printed on 25 or so pages.

There is an associated letter to Thumann's Inc.

Al Roker

2008-01-27T22:50:00.001-05:00

I've always enjoyed Al Roker and for some reason I sensed that he's a nice man. One of the aims of this letter was to put that theory to the test. Plus I was always trying to get something for Uncle Irwin's wardrobe!

Exactly 1 week after mailing my letter a FedEx package arrived.

A note from Al. Seems he has his own stationery.

And who would have thought it! A tie! A Dr. Seuss tie to boot. I guess my feelings were right, Al must be a very nice man. In case you're wondering, he returned the check too.

Pringles

2008-01-24T22:50:00.000-05:00

I'm always looking for ways to improve products. Some of my ideas are more practical than others.

The last sentence of the fourth paragraph is the highlight of their response, for me at least.

These are some low rent looking coupons. Although I do like having my name right on there. The authenticity note is interesting.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum

2008-01-22T23:21:00.000-05:00

I'm not quite sure what my obsession is with the fake title "Junior Botanist" but I can tell you I love using it. Never hurts to mention Neil Young either

Bruce Museum

2008-01-22T22:57:00.000-05:00

Driving North on I-95 a couple of miles after entering Connecticut is a sign that Reads "Bruce Museum Exit 3." This presented the perfect opportunity to mention Bruce Springsteen.

Oops in addition to the the entire history of their museum I also got Hollister's name wrong.

Looks rather intimidating to me.

Tommy Boy Music

2008-01-21T23:39:00.001-05:00

This letter was written less than 3 months after Chris Farley died. I assumed I'd get a quick response. Tommy Boy Records specialized in hip hop.

Perhaps they forgot to respond to my first letter. A quick and fairly courteous followup seemed appropriate.

Being ignored once is one thing, twice though is inexcusable. It was clearly time to act insulted.

I'm not quite sure what Tommy Boy was "Setting Straight in '98." One thing is certain, that saying probably sounded lame then too.

Finally! A response. They could have saved us all a lot of heartache if they'd just written me earlier.