Federal Bureau of Prisons

I wrote the first version of this letter in January of 2006 and sent it to the Warden at Leavenworth Prison. He never responded. So in December of 2007 I decided to revamp it and send it to the Federal Bureaus of Prisons. This is definitely a case where I enjoyed blabbering on about nothing.

The number 211 holds special significance in the world of The Ominous Seapods, one of my favorite bands.

The significance stems from the date 2/11. So how appropriate that they responded on February 11th! I was glad they kept the tea.

The New Jersey Sports & Exposition Authority

I thought I would get some sort of response to this letter. A cease & desist perhaps. Truth is I don't know how the night went. I spent the evening of 12/31/99 at Madison Square Garden.

Harvard University

I expected a frantic reply to this one, demanding I not follow through. Alas they ignored me.

Mall of America

We're probably a lot closer to a Bed & Breakfast run out of a trailer in 2008 then we were in 1998. I remember when I wrote this letter and forwarded it to my friend Brian Vermeire I wondered what sort of design he'd come up with for the letterhead. As usual he exceeded my expectations. I can't imagine why the Mall of America people didn't reply.

Marantha Bible Camp

For several months in 1998 I was in a letter writing frenzy. I had all these crazy ideas. At times it seemed the hardest thing was who to direct them to. This letter started with the idea of an over sized pet rock. I wanted to write someone about that, eventually I ran across this organization on a web search.

The great part of this response to me is that Ted obviously gets the joke. But he was still kind enough to play along.

South Dakota Dept of Enviornment

I was trying to figure out what I could get people to send me. More importantly, would anyone take a letter arriving on this stationery seriously?





Eric is way too nice. I wonder if he checked with my psychiatrist. Chiam Witz is the given name of KISS co-founder Gene Simmoms. Obviously Eric isn't a KISS fan.

The rock and the letter were jangling around in this box.

It's pretty nice looking, as far as rocks go I suppose.

Connecticut State Archives

If figured if I could convince some other people how important Hal is it would become a self fulfilling prophecy. I expected they'd get back to me immediately to put a halt to the avalanche of boxes my associate and I were about to send.





Hard to decide what I like better, the post it note or the fact that they quote me in their response.

Garden State Plaza

This letter might represent the one and only appearance of Mr. Bubbles. I haven't cross checked the archives but I'm pretty sure. Hal likes to accept things, even when they haven't been offered. For those not familiar with this mall, it's worth noting it's grown so large, it deserves it's own zip code.

Don't make Hal angry, he'll be forced to call on his fake attorney Carl Lindroski. You won't like Carl if he's mad.

The last sentence of this response makes every minute I spend writing these letters worth it. THAT'S the type of reaction I'm looking for.

New York Jets

Hal is at his best when he's pompous and makes demands. This seems like a good example of that.





I never grow tired of Hal's resume. He's an impressive lad.






They said they'd keep Hal's resume on file. I checked with him, hes still hasn't gotten a call. I don't know anything about football, but I doubt he could make things worse.

Canadian Tourism Commission

This one was based in reality. My friend John and I travelled to Montreal to see RUSH. And also because we really like Montreal. And yes it was incredibly difficult to find any Canadian Bacon. I'm not quite sure why I chose to spell Irwin's name with an E instead of an I this time.







One page was clearly not enough to convey my dismay so this was the rare letter that leaked onto a second page. And still they didn't respond. Perhaps it's time to write them again and let them know I haven't been back to Canada since and am awaiting their reply.

Empire State Building

This entire letter was conceived when I decided I needed to use "Jay Leno is an oversized Douche Bag" in a sentence. I really hate Jay Leno and so does Hal. One of a handful of times that Hal's 23rd album is mentioned. For some odd reason Stephen or Steven as Hal prefers didn't reply.

I wrote the text for this resume but the graphics once again are all the fabulous Brian Vermeire. Expect to see more of Brian's work soon. Umana Greeting Cards was named after my good friend Frank who is one of 3 kind souls that has read every last one of my letters. Yes, the shitty ones too. Hard to believe this resume didn't garner Hal more offers of employment.

Leavenworth Prison

By 2005 Hal had become a bit of a megalomaniac. His demands are stronger and stranger. That said this was one of my favorites from 2005. Sadly they never replied. It might be time for a followup letter. Or perhaps to contact a different prison with Hal's request. I have to say, I'm pretty jealous of Hal's stationery.

Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig

Here's one of far more recent vintage. Harold M. Rantello, or Hal, is by far the alias I have used the most for these letters. Originally his letters focused on chickens and chicken related themes. It's fair to say Hal was obsessed with poultry. Eventually he branched out and started concerning himself with other topics. At this point almost every one of these letters I write comes from Hal. He's a fascinating guy so I like to let him have his say. This is also a good example of my penchant for mailing people random items to gauge their reaction.

Doesn't sound to me like MLB has much of a sense of humor.

They mailed the Pringles back! I guess they weren't hungry.

Baseball Hall of Fame

In addition to writing under aliases at times I also use a recurring cast of characters. This gives some of my letters a connective thread. Often these characters are "fake relatives." They generally have absolutely no correlation to people I'm actually related to. Grandpa Roy is one of those fake relatives. As with most of my fake relatives I'm pretty impressed with Grandpa Roy even if no one else seems to be.



Don't skip the PS it's the best part of the response.This is a case where I'm not sure if they're serious or they get the joke and are playing along.