Saturday, December 29, 2007

Hormel Foods

After not being mentioned for awhile. Umberto makes a return in late 2007. I hit my personal "sweet spot" with this letter. It's still a crazy request. But it's plausible enough to seem real to someone.

I am quite satisfied with this response. It may be short but it's also specific. That said Hal may write Kelly back with a follow up request.

A second letter to Hormel can be found here

Thursday, December 27, 2007


For some reason they returned my original letter when they responded. They were the ones to stamp it and write "new ideas" in the corner.

Sometime in 1999 Hal decided he should have a second resume. This one is less colorful, but careful reading reveals it's no less absurd. His history here is completely different. Jake's Chevrolet is a subtle reference to one of my all time favorite comedians Jake Johannsen who hails from Iowa

It's almost a form letter but not quite.

The only response to the followup was to return my $10.00 check. Clearly they have spent all their time working on ways to charge a lot for coffee. Perhaps refining the humor gene could be scheduled in.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

National Model Railroad Association

It seemed hard to believe that there was an organization dedicated to Model Railroads. As dull as this group sounded to me, I was going to make them an offer that was even duller than I thought they were.

Imagine my shock when they said they were into it!

Not only did they want my videotapes, they wanted me to know all about their organization. Thank goodness they highlighted the important passages.

What, nothing important on the back?

Once piece of literature wasn't enough....

See what fun you can have if you join their club?! Yippee!

I can be very patient. I claimed I had 6 months to live in the first letter. I waited almost 9 months and wrote them back. Well my fake son wrote them. Of course I had to offer them something I was sure they didn't want. You may want to check out the Taxidermy letter after this one.

The most amazing thing is not that they couldn't accept the corpse, nor is it the fact that they still don't realize the whole thing is a joke. The real shocker is that they actually looked into taking my dead body. Really!? Come on people, wake up!

Considering how good these people were about getting back to me I figured a 3rd letter was in order.

It's absolutely astounding to me how badly they seem to want this footage I claim to have. I was tempted to shoot a couple of hours worth of useless footage and send it to them but never did.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Campbell House

I've always enjoyed mistaking some small museum or organization with a corporate Monolith. Who on earth would target a museum dedicated to soup as their vacation getaway?

Those proper Canadians are way too polite to tell me I'm nuts.

National Frozen Pizza Institute

It's hard to believe that Frozen Pizza needs a governing body. What do they do, vote on the best pizza boxes? Pizza, I love. Frozen Pizza, not so much. So I figured these people needed to be toyed with a little

I just want to honor my Uncle Irwin.

This response gives me the impression that there isn't much fun happening over at frozen pizza headquarters.

Goya Foods

I thought for sure that Goya would respond and send me some coupons. Maybe even some Goya swag. Has anyone EVER been this excited about their company? I'm guessing not.

Hard to believe I waited 9 months to follow up. I guess I was busy annoying other people.

Again considering my outpouring of "love" for their company you think they would have sent a hat or a shirt? They sent squat. I still use their products though so I didn't hold it against them.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Cremation Association of North America

Hard to believe this organization really exists. I can only imagine how scintillating their conventions must be. This was conceived around the same time as the Taxidermy letter.

You think they could spell my name correctly and get my gender right.

Why won't anyone cash my checks!?!

Since Uncle Irwin has already been cremated and I lost his ashes I'm not sure how the brochure is supposed to help

Thursday, December 20, 2007


This was based on a real trip into Manhattan late at night for Krispy Kreme donuts. My address includes "Suite 211" as a nod to one of my favorite bands, the Ominous Seapods. In Seapods lore the # 211 holds important significance and great things occur in relation to it.

Finally! Someone wants my idea. Or at least claims to file it away.

I should have probably filled out the form and resubmitted the idea. Then again, no reason I can't ask them now why my idea from 1999 has yet to be implemented.

Department of The Treasury

Here's another example of Brian Vermeire's outstanding design work. Reading this again now, I can't believe I told the government I'd sent them $250.00. I assumed this would go straight in the shredder with no response.

I took them long enough to respond. They were probably off on a 3 month coffee break. But how kind of them to provide the address for my next letter. That's service!

No one could take this seriously, could they? On this stationery?

And if somehow you can look past the absurdity of the letter, how can you take this deposit slip seriously? I have to give Brian credit here not only for the deposit slip design, but for the "cetegories" as well. This entire thing was his baby.

This resume might be Brian's masterwork. At least as far as designs he created for me go. I LOVE this thing.

I have no idea what they're talking about. It sounds like they actually want to help me open my own bank. And unlike the other people they don't seem opposed to the idea of printing my own money. Like everyone else, they just want to get paid. This was the last I heard from them. I was going to pursue it further but decided to leave the G-Men alone. Maybe I was taking the X-Files too seriously.

Marantha Bible Camp

For several months in 1998 I was in a letter writing frenzy. I had all these crazy ideas. At times it seemed the hardest thing was who to direct them to. This letter started with the idea of an over sized pet rock. I wanted to write someone about that, eventually I ran across this organization on a web search.

The great part of this response to me is that Ted obviously gets the joke. But he was still kind enough to play along.

George M. Steinbrenner III

I have no idea where this idea came from. But I do recall expecting a reply.

After waiting for that reply I wrote George again. Still nothing. I lied in the letter below, they didn't cash my check. They didn't return it either though.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

General Mills

It's still hard for me to believe they didn't jump all over this idea.

Sadly, all my enthusiasm was met with a form letter. And they actually returned my original letter. I guess they didn't want to store the evidence in case they came up with this "on their own" later.

I remember learning about Eli Whitney in school. At the time it seemed like useless knowledge that I'd never be able to apply in the real world. How wrong I was.

Linda really doesn't seem to be confident in my ability to take the cereal world by storm.

Obviously it was time to turn the madness up another notch or two.

No response to the above letter. Was this going to be the end for Linda and I? Certainly I wasn't ready for us to be over. By the time she read the letter below she had to think I was cuckoo for cocoa puffs if she didn't previosuly.

Short and sweet this time. Perhaps I could have written her again, but the response might have been a restaining order. I wonder what Linda is up to these days. And more importantly I wonder if she talks about me on thanksgiving.

Pizza Hut

Peter Larnier appears here as a Dr. I guess he had yet to fully establish himself as a genius composer. This is probably one of the better "invention" letters.

Always glad to see a member of the legal team engaged. I just wish there was a way to calculate how many overall man hours I've wasted at various companies. No sense of humor and no coupons. "Most of the unsolicited ideas have already been considered." I would have killed to be in the board room that day.