Joe's American Bar & Grill

Barney Norman LOVES his potatoes. I really expected a cease & desist on this one.

Burger King

This letter is noteworthy for two reasons. 1) It represents the first time I mentioned Hal Rantello in a letter. 2) It was NEVER mailed. The problem with mailing it was I've always been unable to get a really good photo of Hal. So I waited and waited to mail it. Hal's resume was also just being written at this point. If you want to see what it ended up looking like it's available here.



It always bothered me that Hal's first mention went unsent and largely unread. I needed to correct that. So in December of 2007 I decided to straighten it out.

I expected a bit more than this in the reply

When I wrote the third Burger King Letter the envelope looked like this. Well this is what it looked like when they mailed it back to me. Silly burger people

This third letter needed to be a touch angrier. I was shooting for a cease and desist letter via registered mail or perhaps even overnight.

This is not exactly what I was hoping for, but neither Hal or I are complaining.

President Bill Clinton

When I was a kid I wrote to President Ford and he sent me a picture. In 1997 I figured I might be able to get an autographed photo from President Clinton.

The generic form letter doesn't surprise me. The fact that I didn't get a photo, did.

Flambeau Inc.

This letter would not exist if my friend Marty hadn't suggested I write Flambeau. Along with that suggestion he provided some information on the history of the Yo-Yo that a friend had passed along to him.






This response is short, sweet and quick. Not sure if there is a follow-up in here or not. Time will tell.

A Second letter to Flambeau is available here.

Maxwell House Coffee

Ah flavored coffee! It seems Hal likes a special blend.




Kudos to my buddy Brian Vermeire for once again hitting a design homerun on this can of cofffee!

Kim McMiller doesn't seem amused. Truth is I'm not sure SHE exists!?

Clearly I needed to followup with Kim or whoever is writing these form letters

Hal sent his less flashy resume this time


Who wouldn't like a gift mermaid?

Kim I guess. Perhaps it's time to write her AGAIN and see if she exists.

ABC Television

This continues my trend of professing some strange sort of "monogamy" to a corporation. And of course this letter includes one hell of a good idea!







Could it get any more generic?!

Pringles

I'm always looking for ways to improve products. Some of my ideas are more practical than others.

The last sentence of the fourth paragraph is the highlight of their response, for me at least.

These are some low rent looking coupons. Although I do like having my name right on there. The authenticity note is interesting.

Mocha Mix

This actually happened to me. Well I stopped after 2 creamers and read the package. I'm usually not quite as extreme in real life as I am in my letters.





How could I not be mislead by the name? It says Mocha!

Coupons!? I asked for a T-SHIRT!

Nissan

Hal was confused by all the "Scared-Shit Handles" in his Xterra. They seemed like fair questions.







Visual aids help get the point across.

Hal doesn't like it when people misspell his made up last name.

Sadly this second communication was not responded to. You would think since he was kind enough to send some Red Bull they would have answered his questions.



They weren't even impressed that he went on for over 800 words.

Exxon

Don't tell me it never occurred to you that the tiger Exxon has used in their ad campaigns looks a lot like Tony the Tiger of Frosted Flakes fame?






15 years of loyal consumer-ship and they come up with a 15 minute phone card?

Nothing like a TWENTY PAGE Catalog of Exxon merchandise. Seriously, who would actually buy this stuff?

Kellog's

I thought playing the discrimination card would guarantee a response, and a quick one.

When I realized I was wrong I decided to wait extra long to followup. Unlike my more recent letters the followup isn't that zany.

I'm not convinced by their response. This should have been handled higher up in the Kellog's organization. At least it's specific.

Coupons are always good.

Who can top Snap, Crackle & Pop propaganda!?

Maytag

On my college radio show one night I made believe I was studying to be a Junior Botanist. I'm fairly certain that's a position that doesn't exist. For some reason it stuck with me and from time to time I mention being one. This letter was inspired by someone I witnessed travelling with their own Hot Dogs once. Maytag mailed my original letter back. And as you can see below they seem to have passed it around and stamped it a lot.

What a lame form letter style response. I recall being surprised they didn't return my check.

But then a day later, another response and my check. At least this one actually addressed my letter honestly. The Maytag Repairman would have been proud.

Goya Foods

I thought for sure that Goya would respond and send me some coupons. Maybe even some Goya swag. Has anyone EVER been this excited about their company? I'm guessing not.




Hard to believe I waited 9 months to follow up. I guess I was busy annoying other people.

Again considering my outpouring of "love" for their company you think they would have sent a hat or a shirt? They sent squat. I still use their products though so I didn't hold it against them.

Chevrolet

This was based on a real trip into Manhattan late at night for Krispy Kreme donuts. My address includes "Suite 211" as a nod to one of my favorite bands, the Ominous Seapods. In Seapods lore the # 211 holds important significance and great things occur in relation to it.






Finally! Someone wants my idea. Or at least claims to file it away.

I should have probably filled out the form and resubmitted the idea. Then again, no reason I can't ask them now why my idea from 1999 has yet to be implemented.

Department of The Treasury

Here's another example of Brian Vermeire's outstanding design work. Reading this again now, I can't believe I told the government I'd sent them $250.00. I assumed this would go straight in the shredder with no response.

I took them long enough to respond. They were probably off on a 3 month coffee break. But how kind of them to provide the address for my next letter. That's service!

No one could take this seriously, could they? On this stationery?

And if somehow you can look past the absurdity of the letter, how can you take this deposit slip seriously? I have to give Brian credit here not only for the deposit slip design, but for the "cetegories" as well. This entire thing was his baby.

This resume might be Brian's masterwork. At least as far as designs he created for me go. I LOVE this thing.

I have no idea what they're talking about. It sounds like they actually want to help me open my own bank. And unlike the other people they don't seem opposed to the idea of printing my own money. Like everyone else, they just want to get paid. This was the last I heard from them. I was going to pursue it further but decided to leave the G-Men alone. Maybe I was taking the X-Files too seriously.