Wednesday, January 30, 2008

ABC Television

This continues my trend of professing some strange sort of "monogamy" to a corporation. And of course this letter includes one hell of a good idea!

Could it get any more generic?!

Monday, January 28, 2008

Hormel Foods 3

If you have yet to read the first Hormel letter or the second Hormel letter, you should read them both before this one.

I found Kelly's 2nd response unsatisfactory and needed to get in touch with her again. My guess was that the 2nd to last line would guarantee a response from the legal department.

Considering the brevity of response 1 and 2 Kelly really hit a home run this time. I think it's farily safe to say that we may be done writing each other now.

This is the envelope clearly made out to Umberto and the outside of the card.

And of course the inside of the card.

In addition to these lovely SPAM items they also included pages and pages of recipes. Upwards of 60 recipes printed on 25 or so pages.

There is an associated letter to Thumann's Inc.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Al Roker

I've always enjoyed Al Roker and for some reason I sensed that he's a nice man. One of the aims of this letter was to put that theory to the test. Plus I was always trying to get something for Uncle Irwin's wardrobe!

Exactly 1 week after mailing my letter a FedEx package arrived.

A note from Al. Seems he has his own stationery.

And who would have thought it! A tie! A Dr. Seuss tie to boot. I guess my feelings were right, Al must be a very nice man. In case you're wondering, he returned the check too.

Thursday, January 24, 2008


I'm always looking for ways to improve products. Some of my ideas are more practical than others.

The last sentence of the fourth paragraph is the highlight of their response, for me at least.

These are some low rent looking coupons. Although I do like having my name right on there. The authenticity note is interesting.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum

I'm not quite sure what my obsession is with the fake title "Junior Botanist" but I can tell you I love using it. Never hurts to mention Neil Young either

Bruce Museum

Driving North on I-95 a couple of miles after entering Connecticut is a sign that Reads "Bruce Museum Exit 3." This presented the perfect opportunity to mention Bruce Springsteen.

Oops in addition to the the entire history of their museum I also got Hollister's name wrong.

Looks rather intimidating to me.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Tommy Boy Music

This letter was written less than 3 months after Chris Farley died. I assumed I'd get a quick response. Tommy Boy Records specialized in hip hop.

Perhaps they forgot to respond to my first letter. A quick and fairly courteous followup seemed appropriate.

Being ignored once is one thing, twice though is inexcusable. It was clearly time to act insulted.

I'm not quite sure what Tommy Boy was "Setting Straight in '98." One thing is certain, that saying probably sounded lame then too.

Finally! A response. They could have saved us all a lot of heartache if they'd just written me earlier.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Marshmallow Fluff

A few weeks ago my friend John was over for lunch and suggested a premise for a letter. This is what it inspired. I thought long and hard about who the letter should go to and the people who make Marshmallow Fluff, made the most sense to me.

I had a lot of fun writing this recipe. Be warned though I haven't actually tried to make this. It sounds to me like it would be too sweet.

A hand-addressed envelope is often a sign of good things.

I really couldn't hope for more than this.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Plastic Bottle Institute

This letter proves that a fake play about a hunk of cheese which claims to star some B-list celebrities is a great jumping off point for almost any letter. Of course The Life of Gouda "Brochure" was also included.

I guess I should have located that directory and written some of those companies for price quotes. Man oh man how great would a life-size Richard Klein bottle look!?

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Mocha Mix

This actually happened to me. Well I stopped after 2 creamers and read the package. I'm usually not quite as extreme in real life as I am in my letters.

How could I not be mislead by the name? It says Mocha!

Coupons!? I asked for a T-SHIRT!

Monday, January 14, 2008


Hal was confused by all the "Scared-Shit Handles" in his Xterra. They seemed like fair questions.

Visual aids help get the point across.

Hal doesn't like it when people misspell his made up last name.

Sadly this second communication was not responded to. You would think since he was kind enough to send some Red Bull they would have answered his questions.

They weren't even impressed that he went on for over 800 words.


There were a couple of things I wanted to accomplish with this letter. 1) Get a free t-shirt 2) Mention my non-existent Goldfish. I guess 1 out of 2 is OK.

Considering all the love I dropped on them they could have been more effusive towards me. This was clearly a sign that I should switch to Poland Spring!

Does ANYONE remember a bottle that could be compacted like this? I sure don't!

Sunday, January 13, 2008


Don't tell me it never occurred to you that the tiger Exxon has used in their ad campaigns looks a lot like Tony the Tiger of Frosted Flakes fame?

15 years of loyal consumer-ship and they come up with a 15 minute phone card?

Nothing like a TWENTY PAGE Catalog of Exxon merchandise. Seriously, who would actually buy this stuff?

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Dave Thomas of Wendy's

Generally speaking when writing a company with a special request, I like to go to the top. This was the case with Wendy's. A rare appearance by my fake fiance/wife Betty

At least they have nice envelopes.

This entire response is a bit of a surprise to me. Especially the fact that their biggest concern is alcohol, which I never mentioned.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Hormel Foods 2

If you haven't read the first Hormel letter yet you should look at that before reading this one. I already had a response from Hormel I was happy with so I was playing with the Houses money. Figured cranking the insanity up a notch couldn't hurt.

Kelly is even more abrupt this time. She seems annoyed. And she returned the tea (and the $10). I wonder if I should write her again. She didn't really tell me the first time that they don't deal directly with consumers. Why would Kelly lie?

A Third Hormel letter can be found here.


I thought playing the discrimination card would guarantee a response, and a quick one.

When I realized I was wrong I decided to wait extra long to followup. Unlike my more recent letters the followup isn't that zany.

I'm not convinced by their response. This should have been handled higher up in the Kellog's organization. At least it's specific.

Coupons are always good.

Who can top Snap, Crackle & Pop propaganda!?