Baskin Robbins 2-5

I wrote my first letter to Baskin Robbins in 1997. I recommend reading it first. A moment or two after posting it on this website I decided to write them back. The funniest thing to me about this followup is that I assume this fellow Todd still has the same exact position 10 years later even though they were bought out by Dunkin Donuts and moved their office across the country.

It makes me laugh when the return my original letter. Particularly when they make up the envelope.

This response wasn't going to satisfy me.

Especially when two identical ones (well almost) arrived the same day.

Generally if I have 2 responses from a company I feel like I'm playing with the houses money and I up the insanity quotient. Poor Jennifer... well, poor someone.

I was stunned that she couldn't accept my offer. Well not really.

3 Responses in? Nice! Time to get angrier!

Damn, Jennifer (or whoever) got tired of me and passed me on. They included 3 of these $2 coupons.

It's interesting that no one mentioned that I changed my pet from a Cat to a dog and back again using 2 different names. If it were me, I would have called the lunatic writing these on that.

Finally! They kept the money. I had decided to keep writing them until such time as they kept the money or had their legal department ask me not the write them again. Finally they sent me a list. Well all they did was print this out. And NOT even in color. Someone over at Dunkin Brands is a bit cheap. Somewhat sadly and/or oddly this is the end of my communication with Baskin Robbins...for now!

President Bill Clinton

When I was a kid I wrote to President Ford and he sent me a picture. In 1997 I figured I might be able to get an autographed photo from President Clinton.

The generic form letter doesn't surprise me. The fact that I didn't get a photo, did.

Thumann's Inc.

To fully appreicate this letter, I highly reccomend first reading Hormel Foods, Hormel Foods 2 and Hormel Foods 3.

I must give Thumann's credit for responding quickly. Obviously after reading this letter I believe it's pretty apparent what my next move is.

ABC Television

This continues my trend of professing some strange sort of "monogamy" to a corporation. And of course this letter includes one hell of a good idea!







Could it get any more generic?!

Hormel Foods 3

If you have yet to read the first Hormel letter or the second Hormel letter, you should read them both before this one.

I found Kelly's 2nd response unsatisfactory and needed to get in touch with her again. My guess was that the 2nd to last line would guarantee a response from the legal department.

Considering the brevity of response 1 and 2 Kelly really hit a home run this time. I think it's farily safe to say that we may be done writing each other now.

This is the envelope clearly made out to Umberto and the outside of the card.

And of course the inside of the card.

In addition to these lovely SPAM items they also included pages and pages of recipes. Upwards of 60 recipes printed on 25 or so pages.

There is an associated letter to Thumann's Inc.

Al Roker

I've always enjoyed Al Roker and for some reason I sensed that he's a nice man. One of the aims of this letter was to put that theory to the test. Plus I was always trying to get something for Uncle Irwin's wardrobe!

Exactly 1 week after mailing my letter a FedEx package arrived.

A note from Al. Seems he has his own stationery.

And who would have thought it! A tie! A Dr. Seuss tie to boot. I guess my feelings were right, Al must be a very nice man. In case you're wondering, he returned the check too.

Plastic Bottle Institute

This letter proves that a fake play about a hunk of cheese which claims to star some B-list celebrities is a great jumping off point for almost any letter. Of course The Life of Gouda "Brochure" was also included.

I guess I should have located that directory and written some of those companies for price quotes. Man oh man how great would a life-size Richard Klein bottle look!?

Exxon

Don't tell me it never occurred to you that the tiger Exxon has used in their ad campaigns looks a lot like Tony the Tiger of Frosted Flakes fame?






15 years of loyal consumer-ship and they come up with a 15 minute phone card?

Nothing like a TWENTY PAGE Catalog of Exxon merchandise. Seriously, who would actually buy this stuff?

Hormel Foods 2

If you haven't read the first Hormel letter yet you should look at that before reading this one. I already had a response from Hormel I was happy with so I was playing with the Houses money. Figured cranking the insanity up a notch couldn't hurt.

Kelly is even more abrupt this time. She seems annoyed. And she returned the tea (and the $10). I wonder if I should write her again. She didn't really tell me the first time that they don't deal directly with consumers. Why would Kelly lie?

A Third Hormel letter can be found here.

Roger Ebert

If every celebrity had complied with my requests, eventually Uncle Irwin would have a full wardrobe. It occurred to me later that Roger might have thought I was poking fun at his weight by requesting pants, I wasn't. I just thought it was hilarious to ask for someones pants based on this premise.

Two months is exactly how long I was going to wait before sending Roger a followup. I had actually started writing it. He beat my deadline by 1 week.

Really Carol? It could have been the most used up tattered pants in the world. Oh well. At least she mentions Uncle Irwin

Mall of America

We're probably a lot closer to a Bed & Breakfast run out of a trailer in 2008 then we were in 1998. I remember when I wrote this letter and forwarded it to my friend Brian Vermeire I wondered what sort of design he'd come up with for the letterhead. As usual he exceeded my expectations. I can't imagine why the Mall of America people didn't reply.

Consolidated Brokerage Services

By June of 1998 I was way deep into the whole "The Life of Gouda" thing. I wrote a lot of letters about this fake play. Many of them were not responded to. That's no surprise though when you read the inane ideas I was floating and look at the stationery. The one sheet "flyer" for "Gouda" can be found here. There was this cool used record store I used to shop at in New Milford, NJ. It was owned by a great guy, Frank Siliberti.

Other than pointing out that he screwed up the date of my letter, there is not much I can add to his response. Wow.

2 pages too! Bonus.

National Model Railroad Association

It seemed hard to believe that there was an organization dedicated to Model Railroads. As dull as this group sounded to me, I was going to make them an offer that was even duller than I thought they were.

Imagine my shock when they said they were into it!

Not only did they want my videotapes, they wanted me to know all about their organization. Thank goodness they highlighted the important passages.

What, nothing important on the back?

Once piece of literature wasn't enough....

See what fun you can have if you join their club?! Yippee!

I can be very patient. I claimed I had 6 months to live in the first letter. I waited almost 9 months and wrote them back. Well my fake son wrote them. Of course I had to offer them something I was sure they didn't want. You may want to check out the Taxidermy letter after this one.

The most amazing thing is not that they couldn't accept the corpse, nor is it the fact that they still don't realize the whole thing is a joke. The real shocker is that they actually looked into taking my dead body. Really!? Come on people, wake up!

Considering how good these people were about getting back to me I figured a 3rd letter was in order.

It's absolutely astounding to me how badly they seem to want this footage I claim to have. I was tempted to shoot a couple of hours worth of useless footage and send it to them but never did.

Cremation Association of North America

Hard to believe this organization really exists. I can only imagine how scintillating their conventions must be. This was conceived around the same time as the Taxidermy letter.

You think they could spell my name correctly and get my gender right.

Why won't anyone cash my checks!?!

Since Uncle Irwin has already been cremated and I lost his ashes I'm not sure how the brochure is supposed to help