ABC Television

This continues my trend of professing some strange sort of "monogamy" to a corporation. And of course this letter includes one hell of a good idea!







Could it get any more generic?!

Hormel Foods 3

If you have yet to read the first Hormel letter or the second Hormel letter, you should read them both before this one.

I found Kelly's 2nd response unsatisfactory and needed to get in touch with her again. My guess was that the 2nd to last line would guarantee a response from the legal department.

Considering the brevity of response 1 and 2 Kelly really hit a home run this time. I think it's farily safe to say that we may be done writing each other now.

This is the envelope clearly made out to Umberto and the outside of the card.

And of course the inside of the card.

In addition to these lovely SPAM items they also included pages and pages of recipes. Upwards of 60 recipes printed on 25 or so pages.

There is an associated letter to Thumann's Inc.

Al Roker

I've always enjoyed Al Roker and for some reason I sensed that he's a nice man. One of the aims of this letter was to put that theory to the test. Plus I was always trying to get something for Uncle Irwin's wardrobe!

Exactly 1 week after mailing my letter a FedEx package arrived.

A note from Al. Seems he has his own stationery.

And who would have thought it! A tie! A Dr. Seuss tie to boot. I guess my feelings were right, Al must be a very nice man. In case you're wondering, he returned the check too.

Pringles

I'm always looking for ways to improve products. Some of my ideas are more practical than others.

The last sentence of the fourth paragraph is the highlight of their response, for me at least.

These are some low rent looking coupons. Although I do like having my name right on there. The authenticity note is interesting.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum

I'm not quite sure what my obsession is with the fake title "Junior Botanist" but I can tell you I love using it. Never hurts to mention Neil Young either

Bruce Museum

Driving North on I-95 a couple of miles after entering Connecticut is a sign that Reads "Bruce Museum Exit 3." This presented the perfect opportunity to mention Bruce Springsteen.

Oops in addition to the the entire history of their museum I also got Hollister's name wrong.

Looks rather intimidating to me.

Tommy Boy Music

This letter was written less than 3 months after Chris Farley died. I assumed I'd get a quick response. Tommy Boy Records specialized in hip hop.





Perhaps they forgot to respond to my first letter. A quick and fairly courteous followup seemed appropriate.

Being ignored once is one thing, twice though is inexcusable. It was clearly time to act insulted.

I'm not quite sure what Tommy Boy was "Setting Straight in '98." One thing is certain, that saying probably sounded lame then too.

Finally! A response. They could have saved us all a lot of heartache if they'd just written me earlier.

Marshmallow Fluff

A few weeks ago my friend John was over for lunch and suggested a premise for a letter. This is what it inspired. I thought long and hard about who the letter should go to and the people who make Marshmallow Fluff, made the most sense to me.

I had a lot of fun writing this recipe. Be warned though I haven't actually tried to make this. It sounds to me like it would be too sweet.

A hand-addressed envelope is often a sign of good things.








I really couldn't hope for more than this.

Plastic Bottle Institute

This letter proves that a fake play about a hunk of cheese which claims to star some B-list celebrities is a great jumping off point for almost any letter. Of course The Life of Gouda "Brochure" was also included.

I guess I should have located that directory and written some of those companies for price quotes. Man oh man how great would a life-size Richard Klein bottle look!?

Mocha Mix

This actually happened to me. Well I stopped after 2 creamers and read the package. I'm usually not quite as extreme in real life as I am in my letters.





How could I not be mislead by the name? It says Mocha!

Coupons!? I asked for a T-SHIRT!

Nissan

Hal was confused by all the "Scared-Shit Handles" in his Xterra. They seemed like fair questions.







Visual aids help get the point across.

Hal doesn't like it when people misspell his made up last name.

Sadly this second communication was not responded to. You would think since he was kind enough to send some Red Bull they would have answered his questions.



They weren't even impressed that he went on for over 800 words.

Evian

There were a couple of things I wanted to accomplish with this letter. 1) Get a free t-shirt 2) Mention my non-existent Goldfish. I guess 1 out of 2 is OK.




Considering all the love I dropped on them they could have been more effusive towards me. This was clearly a sign that I should switch to Poland Spring!

Does ANYONE remember a bottle that could be compacted like this? I sure don't!

Exxon

Don't tell me it never occurred to you that the tiger Exxon has used in their ad campaigns looks a lot like Tony the Tiger of Frosted Flakes fame?






15 years of loyal consumer-ship and they come up with a 15 minute phone card?

Nothing like a TWENTY PAGE Catalog of Exxon merchandise. Seriously, who would actually buy this stuff?

Dave Thomas of Wendy's

Generally speaking when writing a company with a special request, I like to go to the top. This was the case with Wendy's. A rare appearance by my fake fiance/wife Betty

At least they have nice envelopes.

This entire response is a bit of a surprise to me. Especially the fact that their biggest concern is alcohol, which I never mentioned.

Hormel Foods 2

If you haven't read the first Hormel letter yet you should look at that before reading this one. I already had a response from Hormel I was happy with so I was playing with the Houses money. Figured cranking the insanity up a notch couldn't hurt.

Kelly is even more abrupt this time. She seems annoyed. And she returned the tea (and the $10). I wonder if I should write her again. She didn't really tell me the first time that they don't deal directly with consumers. Why would Kelly lie?

A Third Hormel letter can be found here.

Kellog's

I thought playing the discrimination card would guarantee a response, and a quick one.

When I realized I was wrong I decided to wait extra long to followup. Unlike my more recent letters the followup isn't that zany.

I'm not convinced by their response. This should have been handled higher up in the Kellog's organization. At least it's specific.

Coupons are always good.

Who can top Snap, Crackle & Pop propaganda!?

Delta Blues Museum

By the time I wrote this letter, The Simpsons had been on the air for over 8 years. Everyone has heard of The Simpsons, haven't they? Always good to see Uncle Irwin get a shout out.







Glad to hear they're renovating the Old Freight Depot. I Don't know how that info hadn't reached me in NJ before this letter.

Roger Ebert

If every celebrity had complied with my requests, eventually Uncle Irwin would have a full wardrobe. It occurred to me later that Roger might have thought I was poking fun at his weight by requesting pants, I wasn't. I just thought it was hilarious to ask for someones pants based on this premise.

Two months is exactly how long I was going to wait before sending Roger a followup. I had actually started writing it. He beat my deadline by 1 week.

Really Carol? It could have been the most used up tattered pants in the world. Oh well. At least she mentions Uncle Irwin

Mead

Gee, it's not hard to figure out why this one didn't get a response.

Houston Astros

The same day I mailed this letter I also sent a letter asking some folks for a rock. I chose the Astros as recipients BECAUSE they had virtually no infield dirt at the Astrodome. That seemed funnier to me. Check out the reference to Martinson's Coffee. When I mention a coffee brand that's generally the one. It pops up elsewhere.



Much to my surprise, and delight, they responded. But they couldn't possibly be fulfilling my request, could they?

This box is slightly smaller than one that would fit a bowling ball.

Wow! Dirt!

When I got to the part of the letter where I mentioned mud pies I figured they would only send dirt if they thought I was a recovering mental patient.

Part of me thinks they were going along with the gag, but the letter is so straightforward I think Bobby Forrest and the rest of the folks over at the Astros were just being friendly.

White Castle

I believe the first letter to White Castle was also Umberto's debut. This original letter was based on actually getting way too much Ketchup on some burgers. Although nothing bad came of this, I feel like this series of letters between myself and various people at White Castle should be called "The White Castle Fiasco."

Strap yourself if before reading these, there are quite a few letters in "The White Castle Fiasco."

Form letters disturb me to begin with, but when they are also so generic as to be factually inaccurate they bother me more. Obviously I didn't call, I wrote!

Before too long another response arrived. Quickly I realized that the folks over at White Castle, REALLY do aim to please.









My follow-up was a touch more irritated. And I decided to copy the home office in addition to the local person they seemed to want me to correspond with. Little did he know what was in store for him.

I give them credit. No matter who I wrote or copied, they all responded.






Harry decided to switch fonts. I guess he was feeling fancy that day.

Finally! Coupons. And they look just like White Castle Hamburgers. Nice.

Figured I'd reiterate my inability to communicate to telephone to Theresa too. No one seems want to mention that for a guy claiming to work 2 jobs I seem to have plenty of time to write letters.

Theresa wasn't fooling around. She sent more of those coupons shaped like hamburgers.

I can't imagine why they need a letter to replace a meal like this. Wouldn't more coupons worked as well. It would have been cheaper for them to cut me a check for a few dollars than to keep writing me.

I guess this one was for Umberto.

Since they had been so responsive it seemed appropriate to contact Harry again and tell him my faith was restored. I was also hoping for some free Swag.







Once again Harry wrote back with lightning speed.

Alas no free t-shirts. But he did send this catalog and a whole book of $1.00 coupons. White Castle money! They really like sending out coupons.

You would think my communication with them was over. Really, what more could I ask them about or for. Well about 7 months passed since I had last written them and an idea hit me to up the ante.

Mark's response surprised me. I expected to be completely shot down immediately.

Now that Mark Cole had directed me to contact Harry again, I felt free reign to dial the madness up and give more details.

I was pretty surprised when over a month passed with no response. Not even a form letter with coupons? Obviously I needed to write them back.

Interesting that Harry didn't turn me down himself. I guess he figured I'd go right back to the Corporate Office which is a safe bet. Maybe I scared Harry when I invited him to the wedding?

I might have found this more amusing if they had agreed to host my fake wedding. Oh well you can't have it all. And thus ends my communication with White Castle. I think I went as far as I could with them. I imagine another letter or so and they would have stopped responding.

Vitamin Water

In 2005, Hal finally revealed what the "M" in his names stands for. I suspect he's a big fan of Merle Haggard.

The package came via UPS. This envelope was inside. Glad they hand labeled it. I suppose it could have accidentally gotten into Umberto's hands. Perish the thought.

I expected the response to be even more serious in tone.

Free Swag is always appreciated! :)

Iowa Farm Bureau Federation

Even when I wrote this one I wasn't sure if it was funny or odd. I'm leaning towards just plain odd. However, I must mention the word federation scares me a little. Sounds like they're 1 step away from mobilizing an attack.



It was surprising to me (still is) that they have TWO brochures. Couldn't they cover it in one?

Must be some nice people in Iowa, they sent the application I asked for.

It's a shame that Hal didn't start writing letters for almost 11 months after this. He would have gone to town with this application

Harvard University

I expected a frantic reply to this one, demanding I not follow through. Alas they ignored me.

Mall of America

We're probably a lot closer to a Bed & Breakfast run out of a trailer in 2008 then we were in 1998. I remember when I wrote this letter and forwarded it to my friend Brian Vermeire I wondered what sort of design he'd come up with for the letterhead. As usual he exceeded my expectations. I can't imagine why the Mall of America people didn't reply.

Consolidated Brokerage Services

By June of 1998 I was way deep into the whole "The Life of Gouda" thing. I wrote a lot of letters about this fake play. Many of them were not responded to. That's no surprise though when you read the inane ideas I was floating and look at the stationery. The one sheet "flyer" for "Gouda" can be found here. There was this cool used record store I used to shop at in New Milford, NJ. It was owned by a great guy, Frank Siliberti.

Other than pointing out that he screwed up the date of my letter, there is not much I can add to his response. Wow.

2 pages too! Bonus.

American Airlines

This letter is definitely a case of seeing how specific my request can get. I also shoe-horned in references to several of the other companies I had written letters to.

I don't understand this response. If they can't help, why did they want to speak to me on the phone?

Geraldo Rivera

Usually after someone has read a handful of the letters I have written, they ask what my favorite is. It changes from time to time, but this one is ALWAYS in the running. It's not just my letter though. The response makes it. My first real memory of Geraldo was the special on Al Capone's vaults which aired on April 21, 1986. My whole family watched it that night instead of the Yankee Game. At least the Yankees won.

What seemed like a short time later this FedEx envelope arrived.

Not 1 but 2 responses from people who seemed to work for Geraldo. But there was something else in the envelope.

You can't look at this picture,read the inscription and think Geraldo doesn't have a great sense of humor.

Maytag

On my college radio show one night I made believe I was studying to be a Junior Botanist. I'm fairly certain that's a position that doesn't exist. For some reason it stuck with me and from time to time I mention being one. This letter was inspired by someone I witnessed travelling with their own Hot Dogs once. Maytag mailed my original letter back. And as you can see below they seem to have passed it around and stamped it a lot.

What a lame form letter style response. I recall being surprised they didn't return my check.

But then a day later, another response and my check. At least this one actually addressed my letter honestly. The Maytag Repairman would have been proud.