Hormel Foods

After not being mentioned for awhile. Umberto makes a return in late 2007. I hit my personal "sweet spot" with this letter. It's still a crazy request. But it's plausible enough to seem real to someone.







I am quite satisfied with this response. It may be short but it's also specific. That said Hal may write Kelly back with a follow up request.

A second letter to Hormel can be found here

Starbucks

For some reason they returned my original letter when they responded. They were the ones to stamp it and write "new ideas" in the corner.

Sometime in 1999 Hal decided he should have a second resume. This one is less colorful, but careful reading reveals it's no less absurd. His history here is completely different. Jake's Chevrolet is a subtle reference to one of my all time favorite comedians Jake Johannsen who hails from Iowa

It's almost a form letter but not quite.

The only response to the followup was to return my $10.00 check. Clearly they have spent all their time working on ways to charge a lot for coffee. Perhaps refining the humor gene could be scheduled in.

National Model Railroad Association

It seemed hard to believe that there was an organization dedicated to Model Railroads. As dull as this group sounded to me, I was going to make them an offer that was even duller than I thought they were.

Imagine my shock when they said they were into it!

Not only did they want my videotapes, they wanted me to know all about their organization. Thank goodness they highlighted the important passages.

What, nothing important on the back?

Once piece of literature wasn't enough....

See what fun you can have if you join their club?! Yippee!

I can be very patient. I claimed I had 6 months to live in the first letter. I waited almost 9 months and wrote them back. Well my fake son wrote them. Of course I had to offer them something I was sure they didn't want. You may want to check out the Taxidermy letter after this one.

The most amazing thing is not that they couldn't accept the corpse, nor is it the fact that they still don't realize the whole thing is a joke. The real shocker is that they actually looked into taking my dead body. Really!? Come on people, wake up!

Considering how good these people were about getting back to me I figured a 3rd letter was in order.

It's absolutely astounding to me how badly they seem to want this footage I claim to have. I was tempted to shoot a couple of hours worth of useless footage and send it to them but never did.

Campbell House

I've always enjoyed mistaking some small museum or organization with a corporate Monolith. Who on earth would target a museum dedicated to soup as their vacation getaway?





Those proper Canadians are way too polite to tell me I'm nuts.

National Frozen Pizza Institute

It's hard to believe that Frozen Pizza needs a governing body. What do they do, vote on the best pizza boxes? Pizza, I love. Frozen Pizza, not so much. So I figured these people needed to be toyed with a little

I just want to honor my Uncle Irwin.

This response gives me the impression that there isn't much fun happening over at frozen pizza headquarters.

Goya Foods

I thought for sure that Goya would respond and send me some coupons. Maybe even some Goya swag. Has anyone EVER been this excited about their company? I'm guessing not.




Hard to believe I waited 9 months to follow up. I guess I was busy annoying other people.

Again considering my outpouring of "love" for their company you think they would have sent a hat or a shirt? They sent squat. I still use their products though so I didn't hold it against them.

Cremation Association of North America

Hard to believe this organization really exists. I can only imagine how scintillating their conventions must be. This was conceived around the same time as the Taxidermy letter.

You think they could spell my name correctly and get my gender right.

Why won't anyone cash my checks!?!

Since Uncle Irwin has already been cremated and I lost his ashes I'm not sure how the brochure is supposed to help

Chevrolet

This was based on a real trip into Manhattan late at night for Krispy Kreme donuts. My address includes "Suite 211" as a nod to one of my favorite bands, the Ominous Seapods. In Seapods lore the # 211 holds important significance and great things occur in relation to it.






Finally! Someone wants my idea. Or at least claims to file it away.

I should have probably filled out the form and resubmitted the idea. Then again, no reason I can't ask them now why my idea from 1999 has yet to be implemented.

Department of The Treasury

Here's another example of Brian Vermeire's outstanding design work. Reading this again now, I can't believe I told the government I'd sent them $250.00. I assumed this would go straight in the shredder with no response.

I took them long enough to respond. They were probably off on a 3 month coffee break. But how kind of them to provide the address for my next letter. That's service!

No one could take this seriously, could they? On this stationery?

And if somehow you can look past the absurdity of the letter, how can you take this deposit slip seriously? I have to give Brian credit here not only for the deposit slip design, but for the "cetegories" as well. This entire thing was his baby.

This resume might be Brian's masterwork. At least as far as designs he created for me go. I LOVE this thing.

I have no idea what they're talking about. It sounds like they actually want to help me open my own bank. And unlike the other people they don't seem opposed to the idea of printing my own money. Like everyone else, they just want to get paid. This was the last I heard from them. I was going to pursue it further but decided to leave the G-Men alone. Maybe I was taking the X-Files too seriously.

Marantha Bible Camp

For several months in 1998 I was in a letter writing frenzy. I had all these crazy ideas. At times it seemed the hardest thing was who to direct them to. This letter started with the idea of an over sized pet rock. I wanted to write someone about that, eventually I ran across this organization on a web search.

The great part of this response to me is that Ted obviously gets the joke. But he was still kind enough to play along.

George M. Steinbrenner III

I have no idea where this idea came from. But I do recall expecting a reply.




After waiting for that reply I wrote George again. Still nothing. I lied in the letter below, they didn't cash my check. They didn't return it either though.

General Mills

It's still hard for me to believe they didn't jump all over this idea.

Sadly, all my enthusiasm was met with a form letter. And they actually returned my original letter. I guess they didn't want to store the evidence in case they came up with this "on their own" later.

I remember learning about Eli Whitney in school. At the time it seemed like useless knowledge that I'd never be able to apply in the real world. How wrong I was.

Linda really doesn't seem to be confident in my ability to take the cereal world by storm.

Obviously it was time to turn the madness up another notch or two.

No response to the above letter. Was this going to be the end for Linda and I? Certainly I wasn't ready for us to be over. By the time she read the letter below she had to think I was cuckoo for cocoa puffs if she didn't previosuly.

Short and sweet this time. Perhaps I could have written her again, but the response might have been a restaining order. I wonder what Linda is up to these days. And more importantly I wonder if she talks about me on thanksgiving.

Pizza Hut

Peter Larnier appears here as a Dr. I guess he had yet to fully establish himself as a genius composer. This is probably one of the better "invention" letters.

Always glad to see a member of the legal team engaged. I just wish there was a way to calculate how many overall man hours I've wasted at various companies. No sense of humor and no coupons. "Most of the unsolicited ideas have already been considered." I would have killed to be in the board room that day.

Reddi Wip

A couple of years ago I was watching a special on The Food Network and jotted down the basic idea for this letter. I didn't get around to actually writing and sending it until last week. I think this is the first time Hal mentions me in one of his letters. Huh?!

The response seems pretty formulaic to me. 50 cents doesn't seem like a very generous coupon. A followup is in the works.

Governor Christine Todd Whitman

In August of 1994 I was at an Eagles concert at Giants Stadium. Then Governor Whitman, was sitting directly behind me. I said hi and she seemed friendly enough. A couple of years later I recall reading or hearing some story about pigs as pets. It seemed like a good time to get in touch with the Governor.


I waited and waited. Finally when I could wait no more I decided to play the Uncle Irwin card. Asking for things on behalf on an elderly uncle seems to tug at the heart strings for most people.

A response from the Governor herself would have been preferable of course. But the fact that her aide responded to both of my issues made up for it. I enjoyed tying in the scent fuel thing as if it were a reality. This was one of the first times I did that. Eventually it would become a fairly regular thing for a letter to exist within the world of the other letters. It was a place where all the things I wrote were true.

At least the Governor was nice enough to take care of Uncle Irwin on his 65th birthday.

Levi Strauss & Company

Let me start by giving Kudos once again to Brian Vermeire for the bang up job on the letterhead. This is certainly amongst the silliest Letterhead. Appropriate because of all my silly ideas the non-shop concept is up there too.

And what would the letterhead be without the Non-Shop "brochure." Brian and I were both completely off the rails on this one.

I enjoy the fact that they acknowledge my fake trademark.

Too bad Regi couldn't muster anything but a form letter.

But he found the time a scant 11 days letter to send me the same exact letter again.

South Dakota Dept of Enviornment

I was trying to figure out what I could get people to send me. More importantly, would anyone take a letter arriving on this stationery seriously?





Eric is way too nice. I wonder if he checked with my psychiatrist. Chiam Witz is the given name of KISS co-founder Gene Simmoms. Obviously Eric isn't a KISS fan.

The rock and the letter were jangling around in this box.

It's pretty nice looking, as far as rocks go I suppose.

Office Max

This letter was a turning point for me. As unusual as the letters had always been, writing this one burst the dam. After this not much was off limits. The insanity just ratcheted up from here. I sent almost identical letters to Staples and Office Depot. The only difference was the name of the "cafe." This letter is the absolute favorite of a few people who have read most or all of my letters.

Another turning point as this was the first time one of my letters received a response by certified mail. It's hard to describe how thrilled I was.

Of the Office supply chains, Office Max provided the best response. As with several other letters the last sentence carries the day.

Warner Wolf, Sportscaster

For a period I wrote numerous celebrities asking them for different articles of clothing. These requests were always made to honor my Uncle Irwin in some way. I had varying degrees of success. I chose Warner Wolf because of all the NYC area sportscasters I really always liked him best.

Not only does Warner respond, he gets style points for the handwritten note.

At least Warner came through with the picture. Of course I asked for the picture to be autographed for me. But since he couldn't come up with a spare belt for Uncle Irwin I guess he figured the photo would do. I think the photo being addressed to Irwin is funnier anyway. He also returned the check of course.

The Gillette Company

This letter was sort of inspired by an episode of Seinfeld. But only in a very vague way, that I can't imagine anyone actually picking up, on even now that I've mentioned it. I had Brian add "Room B" to Hal's address when he came up with this stationery because I thought it would make it seem like Hal lived in a half-way house, insane asylum or other similar odd situation.

When it comes to writing letters, form letter responses are the bane of my existence. Coupons don't dull my disappointment with lame responses.

Even though I hate the form letter, I mind them less when a name is attached. That gives me someone to address. Although sometimes I think the name is a fake one that the entire customer service team uses. Hal isn't pleased when a company he announces his love of, gives him short shrift.

Getting Shecky mentioned by name made this 2nd response a lot more satisfying. They actually had to do something other than punch Hal's name in the recipient box. Check out Andreas signature though. Compare it to the one above. They're nothing alike.

Connecticut State Archives

If figured if I could convince some other people how important Hal is it would become a self fulfilling prophecy. I expected they'd get back to me immediately to put a halt to the avalanche of boxes my associate and I were about to send.





Hard to decide what I like better, the post it note or the fact that they quote me in their response.

TDK Electronics

Barney Norman makes another appearance. He's still fascinated with spuds. I figured at best they'd send the $2.00 back. I originally wrote this letter without specifically addressing it to TDK. When I was done I thought they should be the ones to receive it.

I'm not sure if it looks it but both the envelope and address label are over sized. The letter they sent is normal size. I guess they like big envelopes.

They seem concerned, sort of. But if they really cared an actual person would have signed their name to this.

Garden State Plaza

This letter might represent the one and only appearance of Mr. Bubbles. I haven't cross checked the archives but I'm pretty sure. Hal likes to accept things, even when they haven't been offered. For those not familiar with this mall, it's worth noting it's grown so large, it deserves it's own zip code.

Don't make Hal angry, he'll be forced to call on his fake attorney Carl Lindroski. You won't like Carl if he's mad.

The last sentence of this response makes every minute I spend writing these letters worth it. THAT'S the type of reaction I'm looking for.

Tropicana Resorts Las Vegas

This one is full of fake relatives. Most of them making rare appearances. Little Irwin does show up again.


Michael Downs seems a touch too friendly to me.






I wasn't going to let Michael go so easily. Not when he responded so promptly the first time. Peter Larnier makes a rare early non-Gouda appearance. This one and the Tropicana Orange Juice one are connected.




Seriously, this guy is way too nice. He regrets that they don't serve Tropicana OJ? Aren't they missing out on some killer marketing synergy?

New York Jets

Hal is at his best when he's pompous and makes demands. This seems like a good example of that.





I never grow tired of Hal's resume. He's an impressive lad.






They said they'd keep Hal's resume on file. I checked with him, hes still hasn't gotten a call. I don't know anything about football, but I doubt he could make things worse.

Volkswagen

An early classic if I do say so myself. A friend and coworker planted the seed for this letter in my head. He's mentioned in the letter. In fact it's the only time I use a real name for one of my friends, relatives or associates. I remember that of all the letters I had written to this point, this is the one, that people I showed them to talked about the most, at the time. It was eventually surpassed. But this one really brings me back.




This is not the response I was hoping for. Can you say Lazy?! They sent 2 key chains. I believe I gave the other one to the friend I mentioned above.

Obviously I wasn't going to let them get away without answering me.

This is the sort of response I was hoping for. The last sentence is my favorite.

I thought we were done. I guess Penny really wanted to talk to me. She's practically begging me to dial their toll free number.

How am I supposed to afford stuff in their catalog if Penny won't give me a job?

Citgo

As I reread this letter it occurred to me that I must have had breakfast at IHOP the day I wrote it. Why else would I think of Boysenberry?! Personally my favorite part is where I insist that it can't be orange. Because THAT would be weird.

I give them credit, they really answered my letter. But why oh why don't the gas companies ever include coupons?

Even though the provided a decent reply, I had to try to get a rise out of them or at least some coupons.

Raid

I guess I could have written a sequel to "War and Peace" or this absurdly long letter. Without question, I was sure no one would take this seriously or respond. When that happened I imagined my followup would be longer and more convoluted.

Wouldn't it have made more sense for them to tell this senior citizen on a fixed income to call an attorney or the Better Business Bureau? At least they gave me their Canadian Hotline number.

Snapple

In 1986 I went out and bought my first Snapple after hearing Howard Stern do live spots for them every day. Back then they had these little 8 ounce juices. Vitamin Supreme and Passion Supreme were my favorites. In 1988 while in college I had a dream in which Simon LeBon told me that life was not unlike a half eaten bowl of chocolate pudding. For some reason that scared the crap out of my roommate when I told him the next day. Approximately ten years later I wrote this letter.










No sense of humor and no coupons. Cheap bastards